Monday, June 14, 2010

Art Journal - A Challenge

It has been a long time of thinking....exploring...wanting....
needing. I don't spend time on "me." As most of us tend to do....we take care of others. Whether it be children, husbands, friends, family, neighbors, strangers.....we care for other people. As I sit here, I'm actually timing myself only a few moments to blog...until I go back to "work," "cleaning house," "teaching," "inputting product into the business database." Why? Why am I timing myself??? Because I don't feel I "deserve" to spend time for me when others are to be cared for.
I definitely do not believe in putting myself "first" or the theory that if we focus on our "own" happiness we shall suddenly be happy. I do not believe in the "me" society. There are so many therapists and MANY people in general that believe if you work on "yourself" then you can truly be happy, make others around you happy, and live a happier, fuller life. I do not buy it at all. Putting myself first, if I'm going to be honest (which tends to get me in trouble sometimes) is what I consider selfishness. I believe if you (I) put God first, happiness will follow. I will be happy, I will make others happy, I will have a fuller life. However, instead of putting "me" first, or "God" first....I have lost the walk with both. I am a true believer of God in every sense of the word. Unfortunately I have stopped asking Him for guidance, strength, clarity, peace and grace. I have been trying to "do" these things alone. I have tried to recover from the shock of transitioning my business. I have tried to recover from losing friends for reasons still unknown by me. I know these "friends" could not have been "true" friends. If they were they would have been by my side, helping me recover. Not running from me like I had the plague. Not running from me when I was suffering inside. Not running from me when I was shutting down. I needed them. I needed them for comfort, to bring me back from the depths of darkness, to help me breathe once again. Instead of trying to recover from these devastating losses alone, I am turning to HIM. I know it is best. I know it will be better. My life will be even greater. I will once again be filled with joy. I have been so caught up in feeling as though I have let others down. I lost myself and I believe I was lost because I hid from God along the way. I shut him out. He can not hear me when I do not speak. He can not help me when I don't ask for help. He does not grand grace to those that do not seek it. Today, I am asking Him for these things. I am taking the path less traveled. It will be scary. I may seem alone at times. But I will always be walking with Him.
Today, I am starting an Art Journal. Something I have wanted to do for years, but have put it off in order to take care of others. I put it off because I have spent valuable time trying to repair things and relationships that were not, and are not, repairable. Although I so wish they were....I have longed for it. Today, I am putting those "longings" behind me. I am starting today by documenting ME through an Art Journal. I have always believed taking time for "me" is selfish. It is not. I know that when I finally put God first again in my life, he will soften my heart from feeling as though I can not possibly take time for me. Time to explore me. Understand Him. I want Him back. I want me back. The Art Journal is the beginning of my journey in finding Him, me, and happiness.... the beginning of my new life. At age 40.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something I thought I would never do. I enrolled in an Art class. Suzi Blu inspired me. Lead me. Made me see it was ok for someone like me (so extremely business, math and science brained) to explore the waters of true art.
The first lesson in class is all about eyes, placement, expressions, beauty. I eagerly watched the first video and jumped right in. And time was consumed with work, family, friends...etc. I did not go back to class. I waited almost a month. I watched video two. I realized that I can not and will not leave such a gap in this class. I had to re-learn, take notes....I lost everything I had learned a month ago. This time I took notes. Why? Maybe I am afraid I will not go back to video two again....for months. I want to. I'm just taking baby steps.

I am hoping this mixed media class will bring me back to my first love....scrapbooking. It has been my therapy for years. My art, my time to express. Yet, I have had NO time to scrapbook. None. The scrapbooking I have done has been for clients only, making albums for other people. For me, this is not "true" scrapbooking. I don't use my style, taste, nor is it is a job. So, I turn to mixed media in hopes of finding my scrapbooking identity once again. It's time to scrapbook about my life, my family, my journey. I want to hold photos in my hand and remember. This is me. This is what I want. Art Journal. Step one in finding me.....while finding strength once again in my walk with Christ.


  1. Good for you Krystie!!! And yes, if your "friends" don't stand by you through everything especially the hard times, they aren't your "friends!"

    I recently read this and thought it was perfect...

    A good friend will help you move.
    A true friend will help you move the body!

  2. Kelle,
    I LOVE that quote, and have thought about it many times!! :) Especially since I watch Forensic Files....heheheh